(NLT) And I am certain that God, who began the good work withing you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”
This verse gives me so much comfort knowing that God always has me; it reassures me that no matter the circumstances I face, His presence is a constant source of strength and hope. Once connected, I truly believe that I am always connected, woven together with His love and guidance in ways that transcend my understanding. This connection provides me with peace during turbulent times and reminds me that I am never alone in my journey through life. Even when life gets to be overwhelming and chaos blocks your connection, He is always right there, all you have to do is call out to Him.
My connection with God was so astounding that every prayer was answered in ways that often exceeded my wildest expectations. I am also profoundly thankful for the unanswered prayers, which serve as a reminder of His greater wisdom. Those things I thought I wanted at the time could have led me off His path, steering me away from the blessings He had in store for me. How amazing it is to have a God who knows ahead of time what is truly good for you and what is not good for you. His guiding hand often protects me from my own desires, ensuring that I remain aligned with His plan. This relationship nurtures my faith and reassures me that, even in moments of doubt, I am never alone in my journey. The reason I said “was” in that first sentence is because this past year I thought that I lost my connection with God for a while. I was feeling defeated, tired, and sometimes I just wasn’t feeling right physically, trapped in a cycle of exhaustion that seemed unbreakable. Each day felt heavier than the last, like I was carrying an invisible weight on my shoulders. The past couple of months I hadn’t been sleeping well, struggling with my self-esteem, and trying to find comfort in the wrong choices in food, seeking solace in short-term pleasures that offered no real peace. My prayers felt blocked; it was as if there was a wall between me and Him, and He wasn’t answering a single prayer despite my heartfelt pleas. It seemed like God was quiet, and in that silence, I felt more lost and abandoned. I would still continue to read my Bible, hoping for a spark of inspiration, but nothing was resonating with my heart, and I often found myself just going through the motions, longing for that deep connection I once felt.
I didn’t reach out to anyone because there really wasn’t anyone who could fix this but myself. I just kept praying and reading his word every day, hoping that something would spark that flame within me. Every morning, I would wake up before everyone else, finding solace in the quiet moments, pouring over scripture and reflecting on its meaning. Each day became a journey, as I sought understanding and strengthen what I once had to confront my challenges, believing that, eventually, the flicker of inspiration I longed for would ignite into a powerful blaze.
Truth is, I was lost and my footing had slipped, spiraling deeper into old habits of seeking perfection that only seemed to pull me further away from my true self. Trying to be in control turned into a chaotic experience of being entirely out of control. I was obsessed with trying to dictate every aspect of my life: my family, my house, my finances, my jobs. Each detail felt like a thread I needed to tightly hold onto, yet I was steadily losing the internal battle within myself. My expectations of being the perfect partner created an overwhelming weight, causing me to lose sight of who I truly was and, more importantly, who God intended for me to be. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a clean home or effectively organizing your finances—these are genuinely commendable goals that many strive for. However, the true issue arises when you allow the burdens of uncertainty and anxiety to fall heavily onto your own shoulders, weighing you down and clouding your judgment. I was allowing the outcomes of every situation to rest solely on me, neglecting to turn to God and inviting Him to do His good works in my life. I wasn’t surrendering the worry, the guilt, and the shame that had burdened my heart for three long years. Those heavy emotions inevitably projected into my relationships with my family, creating a rift that gradually spiraled me into anxiety. I vividly recall that God had alleviated my anxiety before, and in retrospect, I believe that was His gentle way of insisting, “Girl, sit back and allow me to handle this.” Yet, despite His clear message, I stubbornly kept pushing through, refusing to listen and accept the peace He was offering.
Every day I woke up worried, stressed, and panicked that I was failing. It felt as though an invisible weight was pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I took it out on everyone around me, forgetting my quiet demeanor, as my inner turmoil seeped into my interactions. My frustrations transformed into sharp annoyance, causing me to lash out at those who only wanted to help. In my self-destructive spiral, I pushed away the one person who deeply loved me, not realizing that they were trying to understand my struggles. Their patience and support, which should have been a refuge, became another source of guilt as I isolated myself further, trapped in a cycle of worry and loneliness that I couldn’t seem to escape. I didn’t see that God was using him as a vessel to get back to church; I didn’t recognize the profound ways in which divine intervention was manifesting in my life. I was blind to the gentle hints God was offering me, the quiet nudges that were meant to draw my heart back towards faith and community. The blessing that was right in front of my very own eyes seemed lost amid the noise of my daily routines. I shrugged it off, dismissing the invitations to reconnect with my spiritual roots, believing I was too busy to make time for church again, convinced that my obligations took precedence. Truthfully, I was placing my family’s needs first, prioritizing their demands and desires above my relationship with God and my own spiritual well-being. In my pursuit of being a good provider and parent, I had inadvertently sidelined the one source of strength that could fortify me in my responsibilities. It took me time to realize that by ignoring my need for connection with the church, I was also neglecting a vital part of myself. I was leaning on my own understanding that I had everything handled.
The truth is, no one really knows my story; most people are afraid to talk to me about it or ask questions, perhaps because they fear the complexity of what lies beneath the surface. But this is where I will set the truth free and finally be done with the past, untangling the intricate web of my experiences and revealing the strength that emerged from my struggles. I cannot hold on to the shame and the guilt any longer, even while waiting for the ending and the justice that we desperately need, pushing myself toward forgiveness and healing. I’ve been waiting for my strength to prevail each time I walk into that courthouse with each trial, where the looming presence of the past feels almost unbearable, but my fears and anxiety take over, refusing to allow me to move forward with clarity. My emotions swirl like a tornado out of control, allowing my ex to still hold his power over me, manipulating the narrative of my life. What he did scares the hell out of me, and the hell he put us through has caused very traumatic responses within myself and my girls, leaving scars that I am learning to navigate each day, striving to break free from the chains and to reclaim a sense of peace that has long been denied to us.
In the most recent days, I have been walking through something monumental that will stay with me forever, an experience that has reshaped my very understanding of love and loss. It is something devastating, yet I am learning to appreciate the profound lessons it brings. Losing someone has not only caused me to kneel at the feet of Jesus in prayer and reflection, but it has also opened a new outlook on myself and my journey. I am seeing now that this needed to happen in order to wake me up from a slumber of complacency. God, in His infinite wisdom, removes to replace, to restore, to break chains, and to fortify; He removes to create change in our lives, often in ways we cannot immediately understand. God removed me from a situation because I needed significant change in my heart and soul; He humbled me because I was not leading the way He taught me to lead. This transformative experience is encouraging me to confront my flaws, to embrace personal growth, and to step into the future with renewed strength and clarity.
God is reminding me of the gut-level trust that I once had, a trust that was not only profound but also transformative. It was a deep-seated belief that anchored me during the toughest times, providing a sense of peace that is often elusive in today’s chaotic world. He was the one who took away my anxiety and panic attacks, wrapping me in a blanket of comfort that calmed my racing heart and eased my troubled mind. He was the one who saved my children from a monster that once called dad, shielding them from darkness and guiding them toward light and safety. His unwavering presence in my life brought clarity, allowing me to see the blessings amidst my struggles. He saved me because I am here typing these words today, a testament to His grace and power. He is the one who took the devil by the horns and exposed him, revealing secrets that no one knew, casting light onto the hidden fears that had gripped my soul for far too long, and offering me the chance to embrace a life filled with hope and faith. I can no longer hold onto the guilt of not being able to read the mind of a monster. I surrender that guilt and I no longer hold onto the fact that I am not a mind reader.
I am seeing things so clearly now, my prayers are spilling from my soul, filling page after page with words of hope and gratitude. The walls that once confined me have been torn down, and my Faith is being restored every minute of every day now, shining brighter than ever before. I am feeling the forgiveness flowing through my veins, washing away the burdens of the past and restoring my strength, both physically and emotionally. Each moment feels like a gift, reminding me of the power of resilience and the beauty of second chances. It is a profound journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening, inspiring me to embrace the love and light that surrounds me. As I continue to grow, I’m filled with an unwavering sense of purpose, ready to share my story and uplift others who may be on a similar path.
Isaiah 30:21 (NLT) “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, this is the way you should go, whether to the right or to the left.”
Lamentations 5:21 (NLT) ” Restore us, O Lord and bring us back to you again! ”
So many of God’s words resonate with what we are walking through in our daily lives. Today, God impresses upon me the profound truth that once connected, we are always connected! Philippians 1:6 reminds us that He isn’t finished with us yet; His work in our lives is ongoing and transformative. He’s breaking chains, tearing down walls, and showing me that my alignment with Him is far more important than striving for perfection. In moments of doubt, I remind myself that He made me perfectly imperfect, just as I am. Ecclesiastes 7:20 states, “Not one person on earth is always good and never sins.” This scripture brings me great comfort, affirming that I can forgive myself for slipping along the way, knowing that it is a part of my human experience. I can forgive myself for the moments when I felt my prayers were blocked or unanswered. God’s grace is abundant, and instead of feeling burdened by my shortcomings, I can lean into His love and trust that, even in silence, He is at work behind the scenes, orchestrating my journey with purpose and care. I understand that this faith journey is not about perfection but rather about transformation and growth, trusting that He is always with me through every challenge I face. As I dive deeper into self reflection, its like I never left. My soul is on fire again for Jesus. I need Him to be the sole provider of my day, every minute, every hour.
Thank you God for overpowering the enemy, for standing guard over my life during the darkest moments and illuminating the path ahead. Thank you for the soft whispers of discernment that guide my thoughts and actions, helping me make choices that align with your will. Thank you for the goodness that you do in my life, often in ways that I may not immediately recognize but that reveal your glorious presence. Thank you for making impossible things possible, for transforming my doubts into faith and my fears into courage. Thank you for never letting go of me when I felt lost, for being my anchor. Thank you for always shining your light in my direction when I wandered off course. Thank you for listening to me even when I didn’t know what to say, for understanding my heart’s cries and embracing me with your love. Thank you for fighting the battles I didn’t know I was facing, seen and unseen, often allowing me to thrive under your protection without even realizing the dangers that lurked. You won the warfare that I struggled in these past few months, tirelessly working in my behalf, and finally brought me to my knees to surrender the battle. In this moment of reflection, I surrender all that I have today—my family, my home, my jobs, my finances, my relationships; every aspect of my life. It’s all in your hands today, and I place my trust fully in you. I have no control over the next hour of my life, which reminds me of my own limitations and your infinite wisdom. It’s all yours, and I lay it at your feet, trusting that you will lead me towards a future filled with hope and love.
In Jesus name, Amen ❤
Walk By Faith Not By sight 